Humor
The Tax System Explained in Beer
Economics Applied to Society
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100…
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that’s what they decided to do..
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20″. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, ´but he got $10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
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“What are you afraid of?”
The following occurred after an older gentleman cruised thru a stop sign and got pulled over by a local policeman. The fellow hands the cop his driver’s license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit…. Here’s how the conversation went:
“Okay, Mr. Smith,” the cop says, “I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Well then, better tell me what you got.”
Smith says, “Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There’s a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I’ve got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot.”
“Okay,” the cop says. “Anything else?”
“Yeah, back in the trunk, there’s an AR15 and a shotgun. That’s about it.”
“Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range…?”
“Nope.”
“Well then, what are you afraid of…?”
“Not a damn thing …”
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Maxine poses an Obamacare question! Good Question!
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IF OUR GOVERNMENT REALLY WANTS TO KEEP OUR NATION’S TOP SECRETS CLASSIFIED, THEY SHOULD BE KEPT IN THE SAME PLACE THAT OBAMA’S COLLEGE TRANSCRIPTS AND BIRTH CERTIFICATE ARE KEPT.
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Passing the Gavel from “Nancy to John”
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Humor or a Lesson to be Learned?
Understanding Derivatives-a Primer
Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.
She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers’ loans).
Word gets around about Heidi’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi’s gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi’s borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!
At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.
These “securities” then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.
Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as “AA” “Secured Bonds” really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi’s bar. He so informs Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi’s 11 employees lose their jobs.
Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank’s liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the BOND securities.
They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays-off 150 workers.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi’s bar.
Your Government at work; and that’s how it works.
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Groundhog Day
An examination of the calendar for 2011 reveals that Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
Ironic, isn’t it?
One event involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of limited intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
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Pinocchio,Snow White, and Superman
Pinocchio,Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one Day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: ”Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.”
I am entering!” said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
“Well, how’d ya do?” “First Place !,” said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: ”Contest for the strongest man in the world.” ”I’m entering,” says Superman. After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, “How did you make out?” ”First Place ,” answers Superman. “Did you ever doubt?”
They continue walking when they see a sign: ”Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?” Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
“What happened?” they asked.
“Who the hell is Obama?” asked Pinocchio.
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“To pee or not to pee”
I have a job. I work, they pay me.
I pay my taxes & the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.
In order to get that paycheck, in my case, I am required to pass a random urine test
(with which I have no problem).
What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test.
So, here is my question: Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them?
Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their BUTT—-doing drugs while I work.
Can you imagine how much money each state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check?
I guess we could call the program “URINE OR YOU’RE OUT”!
P.S. Just a thought, all politicians should have to pass a urine test too!
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“WE THE PEOPLE” by Ray Stevens
Humor in song–Link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc_-L4fyLUo&feature=fvw
Come to the U.S.A. by Ray Stevens
Humor in song –Link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgOHOHKBEqE&feature=channel
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| The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER This one is a little different … Two Different Versions ….Two Different Morals OLD VERSION MODERN VERSION
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood. The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010. |
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Health Care as per Maxine
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Author unknown–from Internet
Great Orators of the Democrat Party
“One man with courage makes a majority.” - Andrew Jackson
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt
“The buck stops here.” – Harry S. Truman
“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your
Country.” – John F. Kennedy
And, STATEMENTS from TODAY’S DEMOCRATS…
“It depends what your definition of ‘Sex’ is?” - Bill Clinton
“That Obama … I would like to cut his xxxS off.” – Jesse Jackson
“Those rumors are false … I believe in the sanctity of marriage.” - John Edwards
“I invented the Internet.” - Al Gore
“The next Person that tells me I’m not religious, I’m going to shove my rosary beads up their xxx.” – Joe Biden
“America is … is no longer, uh, what it … it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was … uh, and I say to myself, ‘uh, I don’t want that future, uh, uh for my children.” - Barack Obama
“I have campaigned in all 57 states.” - Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
“You don’t need God anymore, you have us Democrats.” – Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)
“Paying taxes is voluntary.” – Sen. Harry Reid
“Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.” - Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)
And the most recent gem of wisdom from the “Mother Moron”: “We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what’s in it.” – Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)
HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE – TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN
CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?
”Life’s tough … it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” - John Wayne
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Author unknown
It was a tough year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am……
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, ”Can you afford fries with that?”
CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked ”Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ’ouncer’.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
And, finally…
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck…
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Humor or Sadness
Our countries’ future government officials
The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)…………and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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